Dwarf Trek shuffle
by Celleste Somnia
Summary: Red dwarf meets Star trek crew... And the Borg...
1. Nebula

Picard was looking at screen. „How can these nebula exist near these black holes? Are those wormholes?" He asked.

Data raised his eyebrow „No sir... they are not sir... it is... scanners say it's something connected to something that is non existent. I can't explain. But it only sees empty links in spacetime.

Look at these captain! Riker screamed. It looks like there is someone in the nebula.

Soon after all that, crew noticed strange looking darkred spaceship floating inside the nebula...

Picard pointed at that red thing on the screen and asked „Do we know anything about this ship mr. Data?"

„It is not registered in our database sir"... Data answered... „Maybe Malon waste export vessel... But I can't confirm..."

Picard nodded „Magnify" He commanded. Mentioned spaceship had small white surface.

„Wait ... something is written on it .. ... Red ... dwarf ... „ Riker read... „Strange name." He concluded.

„ So it is from Earth? „ Pikard asked.

Data rotated in his chair to face them. He had certainty in his voice

"I am getting an auto message sir... „ He said.

The screen showed bald floating head speaking automatically without any emotion in his voice. But he surely had crazy look in his eyes.

Floating head then spoke...

"Three million years from Earth ... Mining ship Red dwarf ..."

They listened in disbelief that entire monologue that followed.

Picard was surprised „ Mining ship? „ He asked

Riker shook his head „They don't look like that, don't they? „

Data rotated his chair facing them again...

„But sir, they can be from any period in time.. Why these message says three million years? „

Picard nodded „ That is true Data ... „

„They call us on some strange frequency ... „ Data was pressing console buttons.

„On screen. . ." Yelled Picard.

Screen showed messy interior off Red dwarf.

Picard was determined to break the silence and get some answers.

„ I am captain..." He spoke, but he was immediately interrupted before he finished his question.

„Hey! You are humans!" Euphoricly shouted Lister, an messy man with long dreadlocks falling on his leather jacket.

Picard was now angry after that interruption „ And you are please?! „

Picard tried not to sound angry yet.

„We are ... „ Lister tried to answer but now he was interrupted before he managed to.

Man in green nylon suit and an H on his forehead jumped in ... Rimmer...

„ Aliens ?! „ He shouted.

„ No, Rimmer! Look at them! They are humans!" Lister smiled and pointed at them euphorically.

Riker jumped in to stop these madness „ What do you mean, aliens ? Are you from time before the first contact? „

„ The first contact? We are from the 23rd century?" Lister was confused as they were...

„Are you a Maqui?" Picard asked Lister with careful authority in his voice.

Lister stopped for a moment and tried to defend himself.

„ What?! Maqui? I'm Dave Lister, third technician ..."

He tried to speak before Cat walked in and interrupted him ... „Who are Maquis?" He screamed.

„You sir? According to your looks, you are ... „ Data interrupted them while confused boys from the dwarf frowned in monitor...

„What!? " Lister stoped him. "Hey, hey I'm not an Maqui what ever that is! I am not it!" Lister yelled.

Troy called Picard with one hand gesture and they stopped the link, leaving dwarfers alone with their confused and angry faces.

„ It does not look like they are Maqui, but I just managed to get to their emotions." She spoke...

"You should worry only about that man in weird green uniform with H on his head... I feel very weak emotions from him but those I felt. .. They do not come from an stable person ...

This guy behind them ... I feel somewhat catlike emotions coming form him ... He only thinks about his instincts, and he is not worried about anything that is happening today at all ...

Even that manlooking robot has some emotions ... worry, friendship ... is it even possible for an robot with such a weird looking mehanical head to have any emotions ?" She finished her evaluation.

„Do you think he is better than our Data? „ Asked Picard.

Data interrupted them conveniently „If I can add something sir, the scanners seem to say that catlike creature is actually an evolved cat ... „

„ And third technitian? „ Asked Picard again.

Troy smiled playfuly

„You can normally talk to him if you don't approach him as you are an authority ... Actually, if that message is true and if he endures with this crew every day ... A very stable person I must say..."

„Invite them again.." Picard commanded

Dwarfers were still on the screen and Lister now looked provoked.

„ Hey! Is these another dimension thingy or what?!

We are the ones that break the connection to someone! Us! And not you ! Holly says something is strange here... „

„ Dave is it so?" Picard interrupted him calmly and Lister nodded expressively.

„If you all agree we will teleport you to our ship and hold an briefing in person. Picard out! „

Lister stud there for a while, while screen went all black.

„Tele? Brief!? What?! Hold on! Wait!" He finaly reacted but

teleporter ray surprised him and his face froze in shock while he was looking up in the ray that surrounded him and took him from these place...

Picard came into the teleportation room and he found these strange crew staring at the machine.

Lister laughed „We saw something similar" He said. "But it did not need entire room for it self."

„ Remember sir." Kryten said calmly "This is an another dimension after all."

Lister nodded.

„Good day gentlemen ... „ Picard greeted again.

„ A good day to you to. „ Lister said sarcastically with funny hand gesture.

Troy laughed. Picard was not amused but Lister openly liked her reaction.

„You should never surprise an cat like these! Never!" Screamed Cat

"You should give me at least one or two hours to dress up a bit.

And there are woman here ... Auuuuuu ... „

Cat danced down from the teleporters screaming it.

„Don't come any closer to me! „ Troy stopped Cat in his ritual.

„Yajks! She reads my thoughts !" Cat screamed again.

„ What!?„ Lister put palms on his ears quickly.

Rimmer froze in his strange pose „Just be careful with what you are thinking. Concentrate"

He pushed those words trough his mouth corner like he is whispering...

„ Hey buds... I smell someone who are not monkeys!" Cat screamed

„ Monkeys ? „ Picard was angry and amused.

„ Don't take him to seriously" Lister explained. "The first name I called him was Cat... And he started calling all humans monkeys „

„ Humans? Oh I see." said Picard. "You will understand that this universe is full of life and many species... „ He continued.

„But there is no life in the universe that is not from Earth." Lister asked.

„ If you let me... let's talk about it in conference room „ Picard invited.

„ How can you have emotions Mr..." Data asked..

„Kryten sir." Kryten said politely. " I did not always had them... Mr. Lister taught me to brake my program ..."

Lister proudly nodded...

„ And can you teach me? „ Data asked Lister

„ I don't know, with Kryten it was enough to smeg up his program." Lister answered. „

"Okay people. Can we finish these today?" Picard stopped them.

"Few hours from now we are going on our leave to the Earth, and I would like to ... „

„ Few hours ?! „ Lister was surprised.

Troy grabbed Picard's shoulder. „ Sensitive subject, captain..."

Rimmer followed them while he was walking sideways like a crab and still in fear of mind reading ...

„ You are thinking about that thing again, Mr. Lister?" Asked Kryten

„ You heard them. Earth is paradise in this dimension ... And they go there now! „ Lister answered.

„ But that does not change the fact that it's not your Earth, sir"

„ What if we never find our Earth Kryten? „

When it was time to arrive to Earth everybody gathered on the bridge.

Lister looked at the screen where Earth soon should be.

„ Earth ... I can't believe . I will be home soon." Lister said.

„ Something's wrong ..." Data broke the tension

„ I know that tone of voice! What is happening? „ Asked Lister.

„ It's not there ... It's not where it's supposed to be ... „ Data tried to talk tactically.

„Gentleman from Red dwarf did not came to our dimension. We are all moved somewhere else ... These is not Enterprise's universe"

Lister rushed out of the room while Rimmer watched him leave.

Cat looked all of them and screamed.

„ I'm going to make some dates and change from these clothe..."

Rimmer was still watching exit where Lister left.

„ Oh greeeeeatt! I'll have to put him back together again."

„ You never did that sir..."

„ Kryten!?"

„ Yes sir ... „ Kryten cried

„ Shut up"

„ Yes sir ... „

Troy rubs her forehead ...

„ I need short rest in the cabin ... They are full of emotions ..."

Pikard nods and rubs his beard ...

Riker shook his head ...

„ Imagine being with out planet for so long ... How does that feel? „

Picard concluded „How are we going to feel if we do not return soon ourselfs?"


	2. Borg

Crew of the Enterprise was now sitting at the conference desk ...

„Mr. Data, what do you have? „ Asked Picard

„Nothing on our scanners explains what happened. This nebula should not exist according to all laws of physics. But still there it is ... Data answered.

The only thing we can say for sure is that they are gaps ... Connected to other gaps ... He continued.

„That solves our problem" Screamed Riker

„And our guests? „ Asked Picard „What do they have? „

Data explained further „Their robot has an silly thought about the Idea dimension reality scattered in these reality. In any case, he told me that there must be an idea and thought for everything before it is materialized in reality. We also were supposed to be only an idea. „

„And their computer? Shouldn't it have an iq 6000?" Picard asked.

„I think that's not the case anymore after three million years. But it confirms his theory anyway." Data continued.

Riker roled his eyes „All in all ... We all came to the conclusion that there is nothing out there. With nothing again ... That helps a lot ..."

Picard then tried to calm them all down „ We will make an agreement with our guests what to do next until then we...

„We are the Borg ! ... „ A loud voice blast in and interrupts him. .. „You will be assimilated! Resistance is futile ! „

Crew froze for a second while Lister panically ran into the meeting room ...

„What is that smeg!?" He asked.

„ That's Borg. They delete your personality and make you their dron, after that there is no way back... We have to stay calm and plan our ... „ Riker tried to calm him down.

Lister frowned in disbelief and anger „What are you planning to do?! Do you know what they mean by resistance is futile!? That means we hope that you've been scared enough not to fight back, and you already filled your underwear with your body fluids so we can do our thing and kill you! What can you attack them with?!" He asked.

„ Our torpedoes can not resist Borg's cube ... The inside is fragile but you can't ... „ Data stud up in attempt to calm him again.

„Then it should be sabotaged from the inside!" Lister said in much quieter tone.

"Return us to the Dwarf ... I'm going to Starbug and I'm going into the middle of the cube!" He decided while Rimmer and Kryten also came in the room.

„Fine by me.„ Rimmer smiled crazily

„That's not smart sir... Pleas let us think first..." Kryten cried.

„Anyway, we're going to the Dwarf! From there we know at least how to fight back ... I will not stay here and listen to Borg's orders !" Lister interrupted him.

„Okay ... beam them back." Picard ordered

They walked out and went to the transporter room.

The ship was hit and it shook

„Are they there safely? „ Asked Picard

„They are"

„Then to the battle-stations!" The sirens sounded loudldy

The dwarfers ran trough Red dwarfs corridors and picked up their bazookas.

They watched the corridors carefully and paced ...

„Here it is!" Rimmer screamed and pointed at robot looking human thing that didn't seam to be bothered by them...

„ Looks like the simulant „ Cat whispered

„Shoot him he is coming at us !" Screamed Rimmer again.

They all opened fire at him but Borg just left the flame and continued to walk ...

„Run! „ Screamed Lister

They continued to run ...

„Thank God they are slow as me geting dressed!" Cat commented.

„ I don't want to become that ! „ Lister pointed where drone was.

„Hey guys ! „ Voice and head on the screen scares them

They screamed and jumped only to see Holly with metal borg eye implant ...

„Holly what are you doing?" Lister asked

„What do you think folks? I desguised so they would think I am one of them" Holly smiled

„ I'm going to the middle of that cube ... It's our only chance „ Lister decided

They ran to the Starbug ... The Dwarf was hit and it shook them...

Enterprise managed to hit the Borg cube

„I'm going to the center to sabotage it, and you help Enterprise to destroy the Cube. And if they turn me into that creature, kill me" Lister continued

Kryten tried to stop him „ But sir"

„You heard them. That's the only way." He entered the Starbug and left Kryten squiling.

The Starbug got out of the Dwarf and flew towards the cube ... Both the Enterprise and the Dwarf have had some damage

„ Holly? Where are these cubes most sensitive at?" Asked Lister

„ In the middle ... they have some center and without it they are useless Dave" Holly answered.

Borg did not react to Starbug and Lister managed to go through the crack in the cube

Drones ignored him ... He was lurking and staring at them with bazooka in the air ...

But when he was close to the center several drones managed to grab him and started pulling him ... They tried to assimilate him when he shoot from bazooka and blew up the consoles.. Drones stoped and started to shake on the ground,

„Smeg!" He laughed proudly

He ran back to the Bug while Cube slowly exploded part by part ... partly because of sabotage... and partly because of fasors and guns from ships.

One detonation pushed Starbug from it's course and alarms sounded...

„Holly ! ?"

„ You are going straigt into the black-hole. All controls are out Dave"

„Smeg ! „

Few more detonations just pushed Starbug closer and into one blackhole and it started to spinn out of control.

The dwarfers have already been celebrating their winning hit when that happened

„Mr. Lister ! „ Squiled Kryten

„Holly where did he end up?" Asked Rimmer.

„ I lost contact with Starbug, but the last thing I know is detonation has pushed him into a black hole"

One black hole gets a silver glint and Starbug was flying out of it

„He was only bragging that idiot" Rimmer commented

„I knew he was well ... I just knew" Shouted Kryten

Lister shows up on a screen with wide smile on his face

„Are you happy now? You did your dose of crazy stuff for today..." Rimmer commented

„Rimmer shut up! Guys these are passages ... If we choose the right one we are home „ Lister responded


	3. Back home

The black-hole silenced behind him. It was just a wormhole like passage and he was ... somewhere. Starbug finally stopped spinning...

After few seconds he heard agitated woman's voice coming from the speakers.

„Tell us your identity now!" She screamed.

By tone of their voice he knew that they would find it as a threat if he didn't answer right now.

He tried to move his hand and press the button to answer, but neither he had any strength, and if he had any he could not speak at all ...

He managed to activate an automatic sos call before he fainted again.

That was Voyager. And it's crew was really nervous.

„They do not answer. But they just sent an sos call." Paris said.

„Scan for life signs" Said Janeway.

„There is one weak one . Injuries are caused by black-hole. And there are sings of Borg cube attack!" Said B'elanna.

„Send the away team there!" commanded Janeway. „That thing he came trough acts like wormhole and it may lead to Earth!"

Team was now on Starbug noticing Lister's motionless hand... They ran to him..

„Is he Maqui?" They asked when they saw Lister.

„ It looks like it... Even these shuttle..."

Doctor scanned him ... „ He got some blackhole inflicted injuris"

And he injected hypospray in his neck after that.

„If he is a Maqui why would he send a call for help just like that? „

„Maybe he really got into some problems. Danger was obviously real. Everywhere I scan are the sings of the Borg cube attack."

Lister starts waking up ...

„Where is Borg cube and where does that thing lead?" They asked.

„Who is your commander? „ They asked again.

He lightly opened his eyes, saw uniforms and rolled his eyes.

„Smeg ... Do you think I'm a Maqui to? „

"The Borg!?" They screamed.

Lister just laughed "They are gone." He was not to weak to be proud.

„Beam us into a hospital" Said Torres.

„ I'm Captain Jeneway ... „ She entered the hospital...

„Is this Enterprise?" Interrupted Lister.

„No, this is Voyager. „ She replied

„But you look like Enterprise's crew." He mocked now.

"We are lost in Delta quadrant and we were hoping that one of these weird wormholes can lead to Earth." She continued

"Smeg. That sounds familiar." He said.

„Every universe seems to have its dimension that leads to the wormhole ... That means ... If we find right one... We can all go back home," She said.

Starbug made some hangar damage and he flew straight to the wormhole followed by their frowned faces...

One black hole gets a silver glint and Starbug was flying out of it

„He was only bragging that idiot" Rimmer commented

„I knew he was well ... I just knew" Shouted Kryten

Lister shows up on a screen with wide smile on his face

„Are you happy now? You did your dose of crazy stuff for today..." Rimmer commented

„Rimmer shut up! Guys these are passages ... If we choose the right one we are home „

Lister responded


End file.
